The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Randomize
