I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
