I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
