What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Randomize
