You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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