I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
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