Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Randomize
