I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
