when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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