I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Randomize
