She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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