This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
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