Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize