my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
