Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
