it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Randomize
