it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Randomize
