Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize