Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
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