god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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