How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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