Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
