she looked like the before picture.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
