So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize