While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
Randomize
