i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
