God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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