you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
