i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
