I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Hot guy, man whore rep, huge crush, alcohol that will fuck you up. I fail to see how this could go wrong
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
