I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Rumble strips road head = magical
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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