he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Randomize
