Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
