we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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