I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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