I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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