I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
