Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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