I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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