life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
