I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Randomize
