My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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