I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
