we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
