I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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