Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
