I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Randomize
