Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
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