And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
