i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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