apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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