I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
