She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Randomize
