I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
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