Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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