i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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