I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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