Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
