so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize
