She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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