I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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