Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
